My Mental Health

First, I want to say I’m not posting this for notoriety or to become famous. I’m posting this because some are saying that those with mental illness can’t do things that can harm others. I say this is bullshit. If you know me, you know what I’ve gone through. I have dealt with mental illness for a few years in the matter of finding what medication works best for me. However, I have had thoughts of suicide and of killing others before. Many don’t know when I was younger I was depressed a lot and slept a lot and didn’t hang out with the few friends I had because I didn’t feel up to it. I at times wanted to commit suicide because I felt I was worthless and that my life just sucked balls. I say this because my father wasn’t there and then when my parents got a divorce things went south for a time. I must say without my mom and those few friends I had, I would not be here today. I do now have a wife and a bigger family, but without them and their work with me on going to a psychologist and getting on medication, I would be in jail or dead. Even with the dreams I have I would still think life is not worth living, and at times today I still have my moments of feeling life is worthless.
I want to let others know with mental illness it is a disease and it isn’t funded and thought of as much as I would hope. But that’s the government for you, they even said with my ADHD, Bipolar and OCD that I was fine, and I didn’t need to be on disability while I got my meds worked out. BULLSHIT!
I needed help with money and time to get my head on right because no money was coming in, and we couldn’t live off of nothing. I couldn’t work I just took disability, and they fired me. Now this might not help me to get a job next year, but I have to tell my story.
We see with tragedy that people come together, but it only lasts a time. It doesn’t last year’s maybe days to months. We need the support 24/7 for us mental cases. Without it there would be way more killings and suicide. I know that my family has gone through a patch were someone did almost commit suicide, and if it wasn’t for an Angel watching over them; they would have surely died. I can’t fathom what it would be like if God wasn’t in my life or at a bit of faith. If I didn’t have a religion or some sort of upbringing with God in it, I would flip off the sky and say, “You don’t exist and you suck big nuts.” Nevertheless, I can say that things suck balls and life goes on, but without support of family, friends, doctor’s, and medication, we would all be feeling sad because we would either be the one killing or being killed.

I lost so many jobs saying that I wanted to kill this person or that person. I lost my last job due to my disability (my mind was not right. I wasn’t on pills, then later I wasn’t on the right ones). If it wasn’t for me going to school at the time (using my financial aid to live off for three years now I have to get a job because haha the money is gone), I would have committed suicide again but with school, it kept my mind on my dreams and aspiration.

When it comes down to the medication, I had no job and no insurance to pay for the pills, so I had to try all the generic, and they didn’t last long on helping me. I had to go with pills that were hundreds of dollars. With that came St. Vincent de Paul without their free medication program, I wouldn’t be here typing this. I know that for a matter of fact.

Right now, I am without a couple of my pills and it has been for a couple of weeks due to incorrectly filled out papers on St Vincent and the drug companies. I’ve felt the change back, not all the way back, but enough to know the difference and my mind feels like it will explode without the pills, so I do hope they come soon most likely after Christmas, but I know they will come, and I can get back to normal. 
In the end, we need to think of mental illness as an illness, there are chemicals in our brains that don’t work right or aren’t flipping on and off right. With this, it is due to all the process foods and other things in our lives, but we poor people find cheap as a good thing. If we had fewer stressful jobs and medical bills and bills in general, we would have a fuller and happier life. But I’ve been without money and had to work my ASS off  to get everything my little heart desires, and I say it’s time to feel free and less stressed and less depressed I will allow my pills to work for me and not against me even when there is such a negative thought about medication and mental illness.

About WhiteShadow

The writer of these words did not originally want to put words to paper, but to draw the glorious things he saw. However, he could not draw from images in his mind. He could only draw those things he saw that had been drawn by others. He then almost died one day and that urge to draw became the urge to write. Again, however, the fuel was not always there, and before he knew it it was his senior year of high school, and he was tasked to write a 50page novella for a final project. This became the fuel and started his path of being a full-time writer. He may have struggled and may have made no difference in the world of man nor money in his hand, but he still moves forward. He currently is writing a comic book that has an artist who draws the things that are envisioned. Life could be better, but it could be always worse. So he keeps his head low to write but high to live life. This is the story of this man, to know more, read the words he has put into the world of the web. View all posts by WhiteShadow

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